Imagine this: more than ten dates together. Three months. You have shared intimate details, introduced them to friends, and slipped into a routine. They know you in ways most people don’t. Then you find out they have been seeing someone else. Cheating? Not quite. No one said the E word.
That word being exclusive; the one word (and wider problem) that modern dating seems to be so terrified to interrogate. When I speak to my mum about this, she is perplexed by dating in this generation. In her dating days, once you had been on a couple of dates you were boyfriend and girlfriend, and in her words “why wouldn’t you be?”. Now, I have to admit that this seems slightly extreme to me. The thought of some of the men I have been on a couple of dates with being my boyfriend is borderline nauseating, but maybe that is the pinnacle of the problem – this generation seems allergic to dating with purpose and intent. If a date does not go well, there are plenty more people on Hinge to choose from!
“Why would anyone put all their eggs in one basket when something better could be waiting round the corner?”
I include myself in this categorisation. It is not unexpected that this has happened to Gen Z. Our generation was forced into lockdown during our formative developmental years. We have never known dating without the apps and have seen far too many trashy reality TV shows applauding toxic relationships in the name of good telly. Love Island All Stars made its return at the start of this year and brought back a previous contestant whose actions in his first series resulted in Women’s Aid releasing a statement. You could not make it up.
I think the key difference between our generation and my mum’s, is that exclusivity is no longer assumed. It feels like you really have to earn that title, like the easier option is just to date around and see what else is out there. It does make me think, is our generation ever going to be fully content knowing the excess of choice they have? But that is a whole other conversation for another day…
Exclusivity has become much more of a ‘thing’ due to apps like Hinge, Tinder, and Bumble where you largely judge someone on the first photo they choose to present as all-encompassing of their vibe or personality. The options are endless and there is ample opportunity to shop around. In the words of classic Love Island jargon, why would anyone put all their eggs in one basket when something better could be waiting round the corner?
However, in some ways I don’t necessarily believe this is a wholly bad thing. There is a juxtaposition within the modern dating world which I also succumb to – with the notion of exclusivity being more of a big deal it can result in people being pickier. I am the biggest advocate for people, particularly straight women, being picky! Why are you willing to settle for a man whose mum still does his washing? But, in the same breath, pickiness does not need to be mutually exclusive with the idea of exclusivity, because the bottom line issue is that it too often conflates with a lack of respect.
“Even if you’ve been dating someone for three months, what is a swipe on an app?”
There is so often the idea that pickiness is making sure you are entering a relationship with someone you truly like, and shopping around, dating other people, entertaining other potential suitors are just accepted nowadays. To hark back to Love Island again, why is there constant pressure applied to have a ‘test’ in a relationship, and in this case a ‘test’ means getting to know someone else. In this year’s series, the golden couple Millie and Zac faced a bump in the road. He outlined that to test the strength of their relationship, it was worthwhile for him to get to know Jesy. Obviously upset, Millie said “so you want to chat with Jesy and still kiss me in bed and do all of that … because that’s weird” but ended it with “you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do at the end of the day”. Whilst on paper there is technically nothing wrong with this, after all no one has said the E word yet, but there is still a distinct lack of respect which has been completely normalised in today’s romantic culture.
Dating apps and the rise of visibility and acceptance in toxic relationships have significantly encouraged this change. There is such a disconnect between swiping right on somebody online and actually speaking to them at a bar. Even if you’ve been dating someone for three months, what is a swipe on an app? Parameters of relationships have changed, and this concerns me! I’m not seriously saying we go back to ‘boyfriend and girlfriend after two dates’, but I do think there is definitely something to take from that sentiment. We need to start assuming exclusivity when we are dating people, take a step back from the apps when we actually like someone, and show a bit more intention in the way we get to know people.
