I sometimes think the biggest threat to women in their twenties is not the rent in Edinburgh, the state of the NHS, or even the calorie count on the Nando’s menu. It is something much quieter. Something that appears at one am when I am staring at my phone, wondering why someone who was enthusiastic yesterday has gone silent today.
I started really thinking about this when I saw Kate Elizabeth’s Tik Tok – an influencer with 747k followers. She went online to tell the world about her friend who bought tickets to a concert, just because it was the favourite band of a man she liked. She wanted to post it on Instagram for him to see… and he didn’t even view it. She spent £150. I was instantly thinking this sounds exactly like something my friends would do. Have we lost our minds so much that we are only going to concerts to post online so a boy that doesn’t like us can see it?
That seems to be how dating goes in this day and age. Hook up culture. Ghosting. Limerence. The way we can drive ourselves slightly insane over the people we like.
I am not trying to talk about it in a scandalised way. This is not a campaign to delete every dating app, just to highlight the everyday reality of modern dating- where nothing is clearly defined, and emotions are expected to remain conveniently low maintenance.
On paper, it sounds ideal. No pressure and no labels. In practice, however, I see something different among my friends and within myself: uncertainty, anxiety, a constant low-level hum of confusion.
One friend, Sophie, 25, from Glasgow, put it perfectly when asked about her ‘situationship’. She said:
“It’s not that I want a ring…I just want to know what’s going on.”
Don’t we all, girl.
There is often a familiar rhythm. It begins with a promising start of regular messages, easy conversation, and shared jokes. A sense of connection that feels mutual. They share personal details and make loose future suggestions. It seems like it is going somewhere.
Then, gradually, the energy begins to shift. Replies slow down while plans become vague. I sense the distance but cannot quite pinpoint when it started. If I ask directly, I risk being told I am overthinking or ‘reading too much into it’. Another woman, Kimberly, 27, from Germany, described it bluntly:
“He made it feel serious and then acted surprised when I took it seriously.”
Disappearing without explanation now has its own vocabulary: ghosting. One day there is warmth and the next, silence. They watch every Instagram story but do not reply to a message. They speak intimately in person yet withdraw online. That inconsistency does not just feel confusing, it changes how you respond. It creates space for speculation.
This is often where psychologists use this term limerence. It sounds harmless, almost romantic, like a candle name. It is not. Limerence refers to obsession fuelled by uncertainty and inconsistent reinforcement. When attention is unpredictable, it becomes more powerful. The brain fills in gaps, constructing meaning where none has been clearly offered. It causes cravings of the dopamine that comes from attention.
As Kimberly told me:
“It’s the ambiguity that gets you…If he just said he wasn’t interested, I would move on.”
Hook up culture tends to operate inside that ambiguity. There are few explicit conversations about expectations, but expressing feelings can feel risky. Wanting clarity can feel unfashionable, even desperate.
I often ask myself why this unsettles the young women I know, less than men. Some of it may come down to social conditioning, in which women are encouraged to prioritise connection and communication. When someone shows interest, even casually, it feels directional. Not necessarily long term, but meaningful. Men, however, are subject to different pressures: to remain emotionally guarded and avoid appearing too invested. Detachment is often framed as strength. Caring too much is framed as weakness. In essence, women are expected to strive for emotional bonds, while men are encouraged to reject them.
And this contrast in desires becomes even messier as modern dating unfolds largely through our screens. I can see when someone is online or when they have viewed my story, and this constant availability of information encourages anxiety inducing analysis. Patterns feel significant because they are overtly visible. Many of my friends now put their phones on ‘Do Not Disturb’ all day and I don’t think it is being dramatic – it’s protection! A small attempt to step away from constant digital interpretation.
I once said to someone, “I always feel like I care more, and I hate that feeling”. What I meant was not that I wanted more from it. I wanted clarity, to know where I stood. I think about my friendships and all I feel is pure happiness and joy. There is never stress around where they stand with me. Why does it have to change when it comes to relationships?
Hook-up culture can work when both people genuinely want something casual and communicate that clearly. The problem is therefore not casual dating itself, the problem is silence around expectations. What many of us want is not less dating, but more directness, a clearer sense of where we stand. A sentence that says: “This is what this is”.
So, the next time a message arrives late at night, there will probably still be that flicker of anticipation, and I will probably still reply – hey, we are all human after all. But perhaps the real shift is learning to value clarity over confusion, conversation over guesswork, and refuse to romanticise online ambiguity as a mystery.
